The Careless Me

If i remember correctly, the last time i was in a car accident was almost 4 years ago. It was quite bad and i had to fork out a lot of dough to get my car fixed. Nobody was hurt - thank God!


I was in another car accident last month but it was totally my fault. I was not paying full attention to what i was doing. Too much assumption led to a disaster. The damage was not as bad the previous incident but it haunts me like a ghost. I had to 'pay' for the consequence of my carelessness and i did so reluctantly because it could have been avoided, had i paid attention to my driving. 


I suppose being careless once in a while is given. Maybe it's His way of telling me that i should be more careful of not only driving but other stuff too. 

35 to 50

I didn't manage to read 50 books in 2010 as I wanted to. 


I thought 50 books were not that difficult to complete but I suppose a lot of things got in the way. I am quite happy with 35, to be frank. It's still a big number - even for me. 


This year, I am trying to hit 50. I have started a book this morning. What better way to start the drive with my favorite author. It's pretty thick - 603 pages with very, very fine prints.


I think I need to start wearing reading glasses or something. My vision has started to impair due to the many readings and of course, the way I read.


So here's to 50 books to read this year - cheers!

Of Being Your True Self

I just realized that I am not over My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.


The story moved me; that is sort of a given thing but there is one more thing that I kept thinking about.


The character Julia in the book was portrayed as bold, independent and strong.


I sometimes wonder what happened to me. I used to not care about what people say about me. The short-cropped hair did nothing to ease the talking, so were the t-shirts and pants. The only time I would wear a baju kurung was on the first say of raya, for the first half of the day. That was it. On any other day, I would eat, act and behave like a boy. Back then, I was in control. I decided on the who, where, how, why and when.


Who I am right now is nothing like who I was back then. I care about what people say about me. I tried several times to be who I wanted to be but more often that not, was given ‘the look' for not conforming that I stopped trying and sink in society’s standards. The standard that sucks, by the way. It defines society – maybe, but it’s doing a lot of harm to individuality.


Maybe this is how split-personality started.

Tuesday People

I have just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. 


I enjoyed the book tremendously that I purposely turned the pages slowly, savoring the experience, drinking in the emotions and holding on to each word that Morrie had to say. It was purely intentional when I delayed the journey towards the end of the tale, scared that once i am done, i will forget how to feel and celebrate life - finding perfection in any average doings. Easy to describe but i have no idea how to start doing so.


I wish i could stick little post-its on every page where Morrie had brilliantly described life but i think that would take up almost each and every one of the pages.


I feel sad towards the end of the read. It's like leaving a good friend behind. There were still words that i need to understand and apply to my own life. There were still things that i needed to learn. 


If only the book was thicker.

Some Guys Did Nothing but Belittle Others

I just had a mid-year review session with my old boss. It was a little late and it's no longer 'mid-year' per say, but the exercise was required, like any other performance reviews.


Let me just begin with how much i hate going through the exercise and that i have lost faith in any form of performance-review-thingamajig. This goes way, way back, so no, i'm not discussing that today.


I didn't really care about the ratings anymore or whatever he has to say to me. He has his strings of blue-eyed girls and boys - all ready to butter him up.


I don't play that game - hence the not caring for the ratings and stuff because at the end of the day, no matter how much i tried, it will all be in vain. So i chose not to care.


Today i am a bit pissed. A bit is actually underrated because i really am pissed. He asked me a question and i answered truthfully because i am a bad liar. I couldn't lie 'beautifully' even to save my life. Yes, pathetic. I'm just weird that way.


He then asked me to justify the answer i gave him and i did. He was not happy, obviously because he was part of the negative bit of my answer. 


I wonder; how was it my fault that the projects he assigned to me were not feasible? It was not my call and it was pretty much overruled by the MBB. Then i was off to find a project on my own - which i did, not 1 but 2 projects.


He has the nerve to say that i took my own sweet time to find a project while others have started work on theirs. He denied the fact that everyone else was GIVEN projects and i am the only one who went out and find projects on my own.


He refused to admit that i did okay and was very surprised that i am actually at the same phase with those who started way before i did. I wanna say 'up yours' but my i still have my manners. Oh wait, i don't have to be civil in here. So UP YOURS. There.

The L Word

I was looking for a file in my laptop when I came across this piece. I couldn't recall if I have publish it in here, so I'm doing it now, just in case. Here goes.

Love is supposed to be wonderful. Love is unconditional and kind.


Love was supposed to bring all sorts of fuzzy feelings like the after-taste of a cup of warm cocoa. Then again, I have learned not to assume.

Experience taught me that love can be cruel. Love has the ability to destroy every bit of trust one may have. Love is actually conditional and laced with despicable intentions.

I have seen it – how love damaged a life, a family and a sacred institution called marriage. I have witnessed how love changed a person’s priorities and how it has turned a man into a beast. I have seen how love has caused humiliation, depression and disappointments.

Love and pain should not be in any single statement. In real life, more often than not, it does.

It’s probably the most painful thing one can ever experience – to love someone and have that love turned into the sharpest knife that went straight through the heart. The pain is unbearable that you don’t think you are able to pick yourself up and place one foot in front of the other.

I guess the bigger question is why it had to hurt and the mere mortals, given that fact, are still hung up on love. No one should suffer from bitter love. Not even the most hideous criminals.

Climbing the Pile

I have been very, very good.

Well, until today that is.

I bought 6 books today, dear God! 
That should keep me occupied till year end. I hope.

Work is a Battle Field

I hate to be talking about work again. It's what I talk about most of the times with friends at work, with my other half at home. Geez. Of all the things we could talk about.

However, this time it's good news.

Well. Cutting the story short, I had luck on my side. I was saved from being the casualty of a vendetta between a couple of Dutch guys. I have to thank the Aussie guy for holding his grounds and helping me out.

I will proceed as planned and brave through a different fight altogether. The first hurdle was difficult and out of my control and there will be other obstacles along the way. I hope and pray that I have the strength to get over them. Safe and unscathed.

Until then, I shall hold on to my sword and draw them when need to!

The Wind Beneath Our Wings

Am totally in love with the words of the song Wing Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler.

We all have our own 'wind-beneath-our-wings'.
In my case, it's the strong ladies of my clan.
I would be grateful to have even half of their strength or wisdom.
The amount of trials and hardship they have braved through - it's beyond words.

Hats off to all of you, wonderful people.
You truly are an insiration.

I could fly higher than an eagle

But you are the wind beneath my wings..

Bitter-Sweet Symphony

It was indeed an eventful Aidilfitri.

A lot of emotions running - high, low, the whole combo.

There were definitely a lot of tears.
Even the skies were gloom, marking broken hearts and wounded feelings.
There was no better place to be than the sacred house.
Sheltered from hurtful words and tactless actions from those whom are too proud to be among us.

We are fine without you.
Raya is for us, for our family to be united and together.
You have chosen your path, so be it.
You are no longer a part of our family.
No more in our tree, definitely not in our hearts.

Leave us be.
We are happy.